10 Simpsons characters the Bengals should sign

It’s time to get creative, Duke.

The Cincinnati Bengals game vs. the Dallas Cowboys will take place in the Simpsons’ universe. With that in mind, here are 10 Simpsons characters who could help the Bengals.

Hans Moleman tried out for the team, but he kept getting him in the groin instead of making the catch.

10. Ned Flanders – Wide Receiver

Ned Flanders? Okily dokily.

Ned has shown himself to be a gifted athlete on many occasions. He would make a great teammate. He’s unselfish and helped Stan “The Boy” Taylor’s career take off by helping him get clean.

9. Duff Man – Strong Safety

While Duff Man is a bit of a partier, he is a good athlete who is strong and has good hips. This should translate well to the defensive side of the ball where he can flip his hips and cover or use his power thrust to make the tackle.

Oh, yeah!

8. L.T. Smash – Defensive Coordinator

Lieutenant L.T. Smash did a great job of scouting and developing the Party Posse, and that skill could translate to the sideline as a defensive coordinator. Smash would get these young defenders in line using a three-pronged attack – subliminal, liminal and super liminal.

Yvan Eht Nioj.

7. Groundskeeper Willie – Linebacker

Groundskeeper Willie? More like Grinds-keeper Willie! This guy works!

He’s got the intensity of a great linebacker and loves to fight. Plus, he is absolutely jacked.

Maybe the Bengals can get him without using a roster sport through the international opportunities program.

6. Nelson Muntz – Athlete

Okay, so he’s a preteen, but anyone who can throw a deep pass, then run down and catch it for a touchdown deserves a look. He also sets up his blocks nicely by picking Bart up and using him as a shield.

Muntz has demonstrated leadership skills in his interactions with Dolph, Kearney, and Jimbo Jones. However, his catchphrase “Ha ha” may lead to frequent taunting calls.

5. Anton Lubchenko – Kicker

The Bengals could use a reliable kicker and Springfield University’s star player Anton Lubchenko could be the answer. There are a couple of red flags. His major was communication, which is of course phony.

He was run over by a drunk homecoming parade float driver and, after a botched miracle healing, resulted in his severed leg double-kicking the winning field goal.

So, he has an injury history, but he is definitely clutch.

4. Rainier Wolfcastle – Offensive Line

The muscle-bound Austrian known for his portrayal of McBain would give the Bengals an upgrade on the offensive line. Plus, you know he’d have a great one-liner when he makes a block.

Although he has dealt with weight issues at times, they just need to make sure he lays off the Schnackenpfefferhausen bratwursts and focus on moving people in the trenches.

3. Homer Simpson – Nose Tackle

Homer Simpson may not be a physical specimen, but in the words of his son, “He gets pretty competitive when he’s been drinking,” and have you seen the way the guy takes a shot from a cannon?

An unmovable object, Simpson would be the perfect nose tackle. He just needs some Powersauce Bars and to train like he did to go to climb the Murderhorn or go to space.

2. Drederick Tatum – Defensive End

This team needs a pass rusher, and Dreaderick Tatum fits the bill. He is a champion boxer with fast hands. Although he talks like Mike Tyson, this heavyweight champion towers over everyone on the show and appears to have the reach to play on the edge. He has certainly got the hands.

Teach him a couple of pass-rush moves and throw him out there opposite Trey Hendrickson. It will be stupendous.

1. Mr. Burns – Owner

Although Hank Scorpio once gifted Homer the Denver Broncos for his contributions to Project Arcturus and the gun-toting Rich Texan is probably a member of Jerry Jones’ country club, I believe Mr. Burns would make the best owner.

Sure, he is evil and villainous, but Burns wants to win. Just think of the team of ringers he put together for the Power Plan softball team. Wade Boggs. Jose Canseco. Ozzie Smith. Ken Griffey Jr. Darryl Strawberry. Roger Clemens. What a lineup!

With a quarterback like Joe Burrow, Burns would not skimp out on the supporting cast. Heck, C. Montgomery Burns even sounds like an NFL owner.

All in all, he would make an excellent owner.

Honorable Mentions

Snake is a big dude, but the off-the-field problems are just not worth it.

American gladiators Pyro and Gyro would be in contention if they weren’t too busy fighting over Milhouse’s mom.

Radioactive Man would also be in contention for a roster spot if he were real and NFL rules allowed him to play despite his abilities.

“Steven, I like your hustle. That’s why it was so hard to cut you.”

Finally, the Simpsons’ former neighbor, Ruth Powers, is the one who got Marge hooked on steroids, and she was absolutely jacked.