More than usual, I really want the Eagles to smash the Giants on Sunday. Losing to New York on Thursday Night Football in the Meadowlands two weeks ago, coupled with the Phillies getting eliminated from the postseason in humiliating fashion the same evening, made for one of the worst sports nights of my life. The Giants are just 2-5, but rookies Jaxson Dart and Cam Skattebo played like seasoned vets and embarrassed the Birds.
As I was watching that, still licking my wounds from the Phillies’ meltdown in Los Angeles, I thought, “Wow, it’s going to suck playing these guys for the next half-decade or more.” Not only are they good, they’re annoying stylistically with their all-out play style and raucous personalities. I already loathe them. It was one single game and the duo are already poised to fly up the leaderboard of my most hated New York athletes of all time. This is how villains are born.
That got me thinking. Who are the biggest Eagles villains? Sure, the Dallas triplets in the ‘90s are certainly at the top, but for the players I saw with my own two eyes, who made me scream expletives and frustrated me to no end, there are legitimate candidates. Now, Eagles fans are a special breed and I could include some of the team’s own players on this list, certainly, like Jason Babin or Nnamdi Asomugha, but I’m more so leaning toward the players we were dying for the Birds to beat on Sundays.
Five players immediately jumped to mind. Here’s how I’d rank these Eagles villains…
5. Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints
Brees, a Super Bowl champion and future Hall of Famer, was 3-0 in his career in the postseason alone against the Eagles. The infuriating thing is that he beat the Eagles across three separate eras. Brees’ Saints took down the Eagles in the 2006 Divisional Round, the 2013 Wild Card Round and the 2018 Divisional Round against three different coaching regimes.
That’s such a wide spectrum of closing out the Eagles’ season. In that first matchup, I was in seventh grade watching with my friends at my house. In the second one, I was in college and attended the game with my dad. In the third one, I was an adult living with my now-wife, still watching Brees beat the Birds when it mattered most. We couldn’t get this guy out of the NFL fast enough!
Brees now finds himself on television criticizing the Eagles for not being as good as their record indicates this season. I’m sick of him. Be gone!
4. Jeremy Shockey, New York Giants
Shockey was the first, but certainly not the last, player in my childhood where I realized that I hate in my heart for a pro. He was cocky, brash and, on top of it all, quite good. He was a stud and a First-Team All-Pro tight end as a rookie. Shockey “Mossed” Eagles icon Brian Dawkins for a game-tying fourth quarter touchdown in the 2002 regular season finale and it was sickening to watch some guy from The U trash talk my favorite athlete ever after scoring. New York would go on to win that game in overtime.
Reeling from that loss, I experienced my first case of sports schadenfreude in the Wild Card Round when Shockey’s Giants fell on the road to San Francisco. New York would collapse following a 38-14 second half lead to lose 39-38. Glorious stuff.
3. Jason Witten, Dallas Cowboys
Holy hell. It took forever for Witten to hang up his cleats. Witten played 31 games against the Eagles in his career, roughly two seasons’ worth. That’s tied for the second most ever by an opposing non-specialist player against the Birds, just below Darrell Green with 38, per StatMuse.
It felt like he was an automatic first down for so long when he lined up against the Birds. When Witten scored a game-winning overtime touchdown for Dallas as they beat the Eagles in 2016, I remember watching the game and looking up Witten’s age. He was 34. How was he still doing this? Why was he still doing this? Go home, dude.
Making matters worse is that the Eagles selected tight end L.J. Smith eight picks ahead of Witten in the 2003 NFL Draft. What a sliding doors moment that would’ve been for an Eagles team that was always starved for pass-catching talent in the Donovan McNabb era, going from an afterthought in Smith to an 11-time Pro Bowler in Witten.
2. Ezekiel Elliott, Dallas Cowboys
This guy, man.
Elliott had over 1,100 rushing yards in career against the Eagles alone. He averaged 4.7 yards per carry against the Birds, higher than his career figure. If you told me it was 10 yards per carry, I might’ve believed you. Elliott’s peak coincided with some tough Eagles-Cowboys matchups during the Dak Prescott vs. Carson Wentz heyday. The Eagles’ defense looked improbably soft whenever they had to take down Elliott. It drove me mad in my 20s. He’s my least favorite player from my least favorite sports team of all time.
Oh, yeah. His go-to celebration where he was eating cereal or whatever made me skin crawl.
1. Ronde Barber, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I mean, who else was it going to be?
I don’t feel like writing about him anymore!
Please beat Dart and Skattebo on Sunday.
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