What a ride
Calling coaching searches a “carousel” has always been an odd metaphor. Sure, you get on a carousel, you ride it, then you get off. But that’s not how coach hires work. It’s more like musical chairs, where you better get who you want fast or risk being left with nothing. But if we’re going to use a theme park or carnival ride as a metaphor, a roller coaster is more fitting for this year.
The Cowboys got some BS
During the beginning of the COVID pandemic we cut the cord to save money. Pluto TV got us through the spring and summer of 2020. My wife became fascinated, in a watching a trainwreck sort of way, with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders channel. Yes, they have their own channel. To this day she still uses it as background noise when working from home.
Through the osmosis of her having it on all the god damn time I have seen way too much of this show. We both agree though that the cheerleader part of the Cowboys are far better run than the football team is. They have higher standards of everything.
Last night the Cowboys Friday news dumped hiring a head coach. Even they know that they made a uninspiring and undeserved hire. Brian Schottenheimer is the Dave Campo of Jason Garretts. This is a spectacularly hilarious move. No one else was going to hire him to be their play caller let alone head coach. In his best seasons Schottenheimer’s offenses have been mediocre. The Cowboys didn’t take my advice, but they hired a former assistant of my recommended candidate. Calling this a partial victory.
Jerry Jones is not beating the allegations that he cares more about making a profit than winning. You hate to see it.
The extra “U”s in “DUUUVAL” stand for “untrustworthy”
Every so often the NFL has coach search shenanigans that sound like something out of the cutthroat world of college football. Maneuvers in the dark that would make guys like Bobby Petrino, Houston Nutt, or Todd Graham look normal. We even saw Bobby Petrino partake in one episode.
Liam Coen spent two non-consecutive years at Kentucky. It seems he learned the college game quick. Coen turned down the Jaguars because he didn’t want to answer to GM Trent Baalke, owner Shad Khan’s Grima Wormtongue. Fair enough. So then Khan, weeks too late, dumped Baalke. Now Coen was back in play.
Meanwhile the Buccaneers offered Coen a new contract with a massive raise–they were prepared to make him the highest paid offense coordinator in the league. But there was a catch. If he interviewed with the Jaguars again, the deal was off. What did the Bucs think was going to happen? Did they really think a coach who has changed jobs five times in five years and just had the obstacle to him taking a sixth in six removed wasn’t going to pick up the phone? What, are they unironically stupid?
Of course the Jaguars called. (Or perhaps Coen called them?) Of course Coen took the call. Of course he didn’t tell the Bucs. All of this is understandable. Then it got weird. Coen spent all day Thursday ghosting the Bucs, then in the evening returned Todd Bowles’ call to say he was at the hospital with his kid. His wife took to Twitter to take issue with people “being negative about her kids” which is not at all what happened. Maybe ask your husband why people are bringing it up? Weird, he was there the whole time with you, right?
As if that wasn’t enough, one reason the Jaguars and Coen had to keep negotiations quiet is because the Jaguars hadn’t met the Rooney Rule criteria, so they brought in Patrick Graham for a sham interview. Hope they gave him a bag full of cash as a door prize.
Count out Touchdown Tom
During the Lions-Commanders game Tom Brady wouldn’t say Ben Johnson’s name. Perhaps he forgot it? The man with a $375M announcing contract has repeatedly stopped midway through sentences because he forgot what he was going to say. No, it seems Brady was just being petty because while many expected the Raiders to hire Ben Johnson, they wound up with Pete Carroll. Their GM, John Spytek, would likely be the GM in Jacksonville if Shad Khan wasn’t a moron and fired Trent Baalke earlier. So the magical pull of Tom Brady got the Raiders a coach who was at best their second choice and a GM who probably would rather be elsewhere. Bang up job there Tom.
We have what no one wants
NFL teams are always falling over themselves to hire The Next ________. The next Sean McVay. The next Kyle Shanahan. The next Dan Cambell. Maybe the next Dan Quinn. Something a team can point to and say that the coach brings to the table. A “modern” offense, or a Leader Of Men™, or a coach who has the experience of nearly climbing the mountain and learned from his descent. You can sell that.
But no one this year is in a rush to hire the next Nick Sirianni. Only Andy Reid has won more games over the past three years than Sirianni (40 to 39), Sirianni has been to a Super Bowl and is on the cusp of another, star players have had career years under him… and yet no one wants The Next Nick Sirianni. And I can’t blame them.
Go Birds.
